This morning, I woke up at 3AM. I always feel frustrated when I don't sleep through the night, as I feel as though I am cheating myself out of rest and respite. While time can be forged throughout the day for work tasks, and energy is sourced to spend on other people, I find it hard to regain rest time. I'm also finding more and more need to be solitary, so sleep and calm energy in the night time is precious.
I tossed and turned for an hour or so - the pattern usually works where either I fall back asleep, or my mind runs with itself and anxiety builds. The feeling is sickening - heart-beating, in-your-gut sickening. I think it's fascinating how the body reacts to the mind, and even though our thoughts may be telling us something for months or even years, we only really pay attention when our bodies begin to malfunction and the things that are tangible fall apart.
Eventually, instead of attempting to sleep further. I turned on my laptop and opened my emails - I have an email account I have been avoiding for about five months now. With a deep breathe, I sorted through a few hundred emails, and a few hours later, I feel a little better. I realise that avoiding the smaller, but still essential tasks is currently stopping me from tackling my bigger challenges. I mentally blocked myself with creating a list of things to do everyday, but failing to achieve the ones that I thought should be done first and quicker, I would procrastinate and completely abandon everything, The cycle is/was extremely destructive, and it's easy to fall into a space when nothing feels within reach.
I feel as though I am a shadow of my past Self, and my work rate has completely slowed down. I look forward to not going back to my past Self, but remerging with even more Light. All is not lost, as step by step, email by email, or small task by task, i'll get there. I'm already on my way.